Today Marks 20 Years

 Many of you know my story and what it means to have grief be a part of who I am. To say that I am deeply grateful to those who have supported me over the last 20 years is an understatement. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you. For those that I don’t know or who I’ve just met, this blog post is about a significant loss in my life. I was married in 2003 and my husband, Matt Love, was killed instantly in a car accident 55 days after our wedding. I have shared about the many layers of grief over the years on this little blog, feel free to stalk it if you want! I have learned so much over the last 20 years and I wanted to process a bit here again because it just seemed like the right thing to do.

So, thank you for letting me. Xoxo

On the 10-year marker of Matt’s death, I had a severe panic attack. I ended up in the ER needing Xanax and an inhaler so I could breathe properly. Breathing, as it turns out, isn’t as easy as it should be when your body betrays you and basically laughs in your face when you logically think you should be able to do what’s natural; what’s right. 

Growing up all I ever wanted was to be married and have kids. I grew up in a conservative Christian bubble where the narrative of a fulfilled life looked like marriage and kids. All through my 20’s I barely dated. I was so confused by this. I had “dedicated myself to the Lord” yet the “ultimate” reward of marriage wasn’t happening! I thought what I was doing was natural and right. Was I breathing the wrong air? Little did I know that this questioning would lead me to eventual freedom.

When I hit my 30’s I began to see that the narrow path I was on could be extended and explored. I realized that my own desires mattered; not those of what others expected of me. I got out of a toxic career and I began to discover who I really was. I felt like Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride when she realizes she doesn’t know what kind of eggs she really likes. She was always told what eggs to like from those around her. It turned out she likes her eggs benedict style. 

When I turned 31, I decided I didn’t want kids so badly that I would have them in an unconventional way like many of my friends were doing. I knew that raising a child on my own was not my jam and I felt true peace that if I never had kids of my own I would be totally fine. It was freeing to own this. I was still navigating what it meant to be single, but I was more confident and sure that there wasn’t a blueprint for everything like I had been taught. I had discovered freedom. I had found my own "eggs benedict". 

I met Matt when I was 32 and we started dating when I was 33. Matt was magnetic. His curiosity about life was electric. He asked deep questions about spirituality and wondered about things we were taught not to wonder about. His creative spirit was enchanting. He was charming and funny. He was different. We fell for each other hard and fast. He told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship and that his love for her spanned the whole sky. He didn’t have a place in her life, however, so being her father was foreign. He longed for this and was a continual place of heartache for him. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted more kids and because of my recent epiphany, it sealed our hearts even more. 

We dated, got engaged, and got married between August/September of 2002 and June of 2003. Matt’s last name was Love and this is the truest thing about him. He showed me Love and how to live in the full expression of it. 

On August 15, 2003, Matt was killed in a single-car accident. He died instantly. I was at home and the Coroner had to come and tell me what happened and give me his belongings like his wallet and his wedding ring.  My world shattered. I couldn’t breathe.

The following chapters of my life were filled with lots of wrestling. I wrestled with my childhood dream of wanting to be married and have kids. Even though I had found some freedom from the religious expectations from my youth and knew that there wasn’t really a blueprint for “marriage and kids”, when I actually got married and had the potential of a kid, (through Matt’s daughter) I was faced with more questions about who I am spiritually and what I truly believed. I had to discover more about myself beyond the type of eggs I like. 

Through time, therapy, and an army of people Loving me, I realized that the answer (or parts of it) was found in the name I clung to; “Love”. My people kept showing me what it means to Love fiercely and how to use Love as a foundation for my healing. Matt had taught me to embrace this word and I have taken this and leaned into what it means to live in Love ever since. I have a different relationship with so many things because of what happened in 2003 and I have learned how to embrace who I am outside of what anyone or any institution expects of me. I Love with my whole heart. No matter what.

I met Brian in 2006 and we married in 2008. During this time, and countless times since our wedding, I have experienced different layers of Love and how expressions of Love change. Brian is someone who makes me feel seen and heard. He’s smart, funny, insightful, and loyal. He’s patient and generous. He sees me for who I am and Loves me completely. I made a conscious choice to give Brian my whole heart because we built our relationship on doing this. In doing this, however, I know that I feel gratitude for the ways that Matt laid a foundation of sorts for understanding the depth of Love in such a short time. As I continue to build my life with Brian I know that Love continues to teach me about what’s sacred and right. I’m breathing.

Over the last 20 years, I have experienced many moments with Matt. He shows up in the form of orange butterflies and certain songs. He shows up in dreams and sometimes tears. Some of his ashes are between two Blue Spruce trees at my childhood home that have been miraculously untouched by construction and progress. I visit The Trees at least once a year and Matt reminds me to continue to Love with my whole heart and stay true to who I am.

This year I got to go to The Trees with his daughter. She’s in her mid-twenties now. We've thankfully kept in some contact over the years and it's been more frequent over the last 2 years or so. I had a few boxes of his stuff and I got to give it to her this summer. I got to tell her in person just how much her dad Loves her and how alike they are. Magnetic, creative, funny, curious. She got to take pictures home of him as a young father holding the Love of his life. Today, she is linked to him through me. It’s wild. And wonderful. I am so grateful to have this relationship with her and it continues to grow and flourish. 

At the 10-year marker when I had my panic attack, my dear friend helped me realize that I hadn’t turned a corner on really shedding the shock I felt in 2003. Our bodies try to protect us. They know we can’t always take what pain really feels like, so we go numb. We turn it off. But, inevitably, the protection wears off and there’s a release. That’s what happened in 2013. Now, in 2023, I genuinely feel like I have reflected on so many layers of grief that not only can I breathe, but the light that has pushed its way through the darkness is brighter than ever.

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The Tree pictures explanation: The older-looking pictures were taken in 2005. The Trees were so small when we put Matt's ashes there. The ones I took this year show how much growth they've had! I'm so grateful they've stayed in this sacred space untouched.