Sunday, March 4, 2012

#9: A picture that makes you nervous...

I have dreaded #9 from the list, so I want to get it out of the way...
Yup. Bathroom scales make me nervous.

Actually, I'm not sure that nervous fully captures my feelings with scales...maybe it's more like stressed, frustrated, disappointed in myself, embarrassed and just overall bleh...

I have struggled with weight issues my whole life. When I was a kid, a little old church lady used to call me a "Pillsbury dough kid". Nice. In high school, a group of mean, mean boys mooed at me as I walked past them. This particular incident certainly scarred me. I cringe and shrink inside just thinking about it...

I chose to deal with scales on a more regular basis when I joined Weight Watchers (WW) in 2010. I was pretty hopeful that my battle with food and issues surrounding my weight would have some resolve while participating in the WW program. This didn't happen the way I dreamed it would.

I sat through many, many meetings bawling because the scale showed the (+) sign next to the still very large number. It seemed like those around me were losing weight and celebrating the gift the scale gave them each week. I never quite got over being a nervous wreck at weigh ins week after week. During this fairly long stint with WW I lost about 30 pounds. This was great, but it was only 30 pounds...I needed to lose SO much more...ugh.

What WW did do for me is bring many of my food issues to the surface. Knowing is half the battle, right? Right. But, man. Issues with weight and food cause such vulnerability. It's scary to face the real reasons why we do things that are unhealthy. It's difficult to admit that we can't control things like we think we can. It's maddening to know ways out of unhealthy patterns yet not do them.

I am still on this very long road of dealing with all of this. There may be a day when I am not riddled with nerves, stress or frustration when I get on a scale, but this hasn't happened quite yet.

Posting on this topic makes me nervous...I should have taken a picture of the "Publish" button on my blog page...but for me, writing about stuff like this makes me face obstacles I fear. It's therapeutic to "get it out there". It also helps me know that I am not alone. We all have "stuff", I know this...making my "stuff" more public is a way for me to face it with more rigor. I know I have to get my act together and face my issues with weight. WW helped me open up some facets of it all, I just need to push myself to face more.

Thanks for allowing me to have a therapy session here with this blog. Thanks for helping me know I am not alone...none of us are. Thank Goodness.

6 comments:

  1. You are so brave. And I love you. So, so much. Xoxo.

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  2. p.s. I think I'm going to make it my personal mission to find those boys and kill them.

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  4. They mooed at me too.....same boys! Hannah, I have their names and addresses!

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  5. First of all, thank you Hannah for your fury...it's great. :)
    Secondly, Roberta, I truly believe my deep seeded belief in Karma is rooted to those boys and my hope that someday they get what they deserve...but if you could pass those addresses on to me, I can get them to Hannah! :)
    Love you girls! xoxo

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  6. I am so impressed that you wrote this blog! It not only is therapeutic for you, but also something that ladies like me can learn from and find solace in knowing that other people in this world have suffered the same hardships. Something about being not alone makes tribulations seem more survivable. I too have struggled with weight for most of my life. I am actually in a place where I'm having some success taking it off, but regardless of the success, I carry the identity with me that I created while being unhappy with my physical appearance and that's something that is SO hard to overcome.

    So, thank you for being brave and sharing your experience. You're not in it alone!
    lovemaura

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