We're not alone.

Grief is a bitch.

There’s really no way to sugar coat this.
Every single day in the news I hear a heartbreaking story where I imagine the ripple effect the death of someone will have on hundreds and hundreds of people.
Grief is a stark reality of the human experience that truly affects us all.

This week I found myself recognizing a new layer of my own grief process and as I was talking to a friend about this, she encouraged me to "blog it out". It's a vulnerable process to write about grief but I want to share this post today in hopes that some of my layers connect with or encourage others that they are not alone. That has been one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received from this almost 15 year journey; knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not alone.

Below is a letter I wrote to a dear friend that I have been connected to since grade school, but the Universe brought us together on a regular basis about 10 years ago through the journey of grief. We write letters and emails to each other often and we send each other mementos of our respective “signs” from our loved ones

(butterflies for me, dragonflies for her).

I thought I would share the letter because sometimes it's difficult to put into words what we're feeling--especially if it surprises us. Just when I thought I had all the language I needed for what I have felt and experienced, I found myself feeling and writing this. Maybe there will be a connection for you within this, or maybe it will help you understand where someone is coming from, or maybe you need to reach out to someone who is in the throes of grief and just tell them you're there with them.

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Hi, sweet friend!

I have been thinking a lot about you this week because I know you are with me on this journey and I know I can count on you to get what this email is about...
So, I had a REALLY vivid dream about Matt the other night and I feel like you are one of the very few people who would get what that means. The way the dream played out isn’t as significant as the reason I had the dream. His essence  was WITH me. It felt more like a visit than just a dream. I FELT him say he missed me. I HEARD him talking to me. I swear I FELT him hug me. It was all SO real!!!

When I woke up I knew I had interacted with him, but it was fuzzy. But then, on the way to work, out of the blue, I remembered the dream fully and I promptly started crying. I was crying cartoon-like tears; big, rolling, wet tears. They were pained tears, but also reassuring in a way. I think they were the physical release of what happened in my dream. I haven't ever responded this way and I couldn't stop crying! I was trying to get it together so I could drive and not be a total wreck when I got to work, but that was not easy!

I have never really thought about this before, but I am now convinced that tears have different personalities. Some are angry, some are wistful, some are downright sad, and some are happy!  This set of tears was the connection kind and those hold a super special place in the grief process. These are the ones that only I understand and feel. These are the ones that mark that space in my soul that is sacred and belongs only to me. These are the rare ones that surprise me the most. They can't be predicted and they can't be explained, but they're a part of this--and me.

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but I know that's okay because I know you carry this with me and I am so very grateful. I know our grief is very different, but I also know that it doesn't really matter because for some wonderful reason the Universe has linked our stories together in a very unique and sacred way and I know that we can share our grief process with each other. I absolutely do not take this for granted--thank you for being with me!

I think about you quite often and I hope you know you are never alone. I know I am never alone because of you in my life and I am forever grateful.

I love you, dear, sweet friend. May light and hope find you today.

xoxoxoxoxxo

Kari