Friday, October 12, 2012

Walking the Line

There's a fine line 
between fear and peace-
 between calm and overwhelmed-
 between truth and fiction.

I am finding it difficult to walk the side of the line that holds hope

With the news of sweet Jessica Ridgeway's abduction and horrific murder, I am finding it difficult to walk on the side of peace. 
Instead, I find myself feeling fearful that any one of my students is not safe. We are a "walking" school, meaning we don't have school buses and many kids don't get rides from parents so they walk home. 
I fear that they won't make it home.
Then, if I think about my nieces and nephews and  all the kids I know personally...
 I can't even begin to imagine...

And then there's the time I had a panic attack when our school  had a lock down drill...
It was a "red" drill when we have to take cover because there is someone in the building that may harm us. As I was "taking cover" with my students, 
there was a pounding on the door and a rattle to the doorknob. 
It completely freaked me out. 
After my students left I had a panic attack.
I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't get myself together.
I just kept picturing what would happen if that sound was real. 
What if someone came in my room and harmed me or my students? 

How do I keep myself from feeling fearful that something bad won't happen?

I truly know that I can't and won't live on that side of the line.

I know that bad things will happen.
I know I can't protect people from suffering unnecessary grief.

I know it's not healthy to live in fear.
I know that getting all these thoughts out there will help me embrace the fact that 

Peace will win.
I feel like, daily, I am overwhelmed with teaching. 
I find myself questioning if this career choice is the one for me. 
I am walking the side of the line where I feel overwhelmed and unable to see the grand purpose of it all. 
Am I one of those "meant to be a teacher" types?
I don't know.
I kinda don't think so...
I feel overwhelmed with questions like:
Am I being true to myself? 
Am I losing any sort of creativity that I might possess by being caught up in educational red tape and politics?
Am I taking things so personally that I can't see Grace and "8th grade-ness" as normal?
Am I really being asked to teach beyond my skills, means and desires?
Am I really going to do this for the next 20-30 years?
I know there are those "teaching moments" that "make it worth it", but are there enough? 
Are they enough?

Walking on the side of calm is easier said than done for most people, I get that, but my most recent "crisis of faith" regarding my career feels overwhelming. 
I have to trust that when I "officially" started this teaching journey 6 years ago, it felt natural and right.
I have to trust that time of my life and navigate the ebbs and flows of teaching and not let the temptation to live on the overwhelmed side of the line win.

Is there some truth in the saying
Keep Calm and Carry On?
Fingers crossed.

I want to walk the line of Truth with everything that I am. 
Fiction is for books and movies, not real life...
But do I know what Truth really is?
Do I seek out and believe in Truth?
Am I letting fiction take over the best of me?
I don't know.
And maybe that's okay.


  1. Just keep walking are exactly where you need to the dog...kiss your loved ones...breathe some more...what you wrote is beautiful.

  2. Just keep keeping on. Breathe, go out for a walk and enjoy the cool air. Give it time, then realize that no matter what you do, it will always be right if it comes from the heart. I loved this post :)

  3. Being honest is scary. You are so brave. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and everyone is on their own journey, full of a ton of unanswered questions and "what ifs", and we all have to choose to trust in the goodness of it all. Love you friend.

  4. I think I cross back and forth over "the line" daily. I think it means in some way we're being challenged...good or bad. Trust your heart. Trust your gut. If I listen to my gut, it tells me that you are an amazing woman bringing amazing light and joy to your kids. You wouldn't be able to give that light to so many kids each day if you weren't a teacher. You're kids are lucky. (My gut also tells me that wine is a good remedy at the end of the day to get us ready for the next one.)

  5. I hope you find your way back to the peace side soon. Henry is always waiting for visits from Aunt Kari to remind you what that side feels like. Nothing like the true innocence of eating, pooping, and sleeping all day.
    You'll know what to do when you see it! Sometimes the clear path just takes a while to show itself.

  6. Your post really touches me a lot. I know that sometimes just feels so helpless and like there is no way out. I have that a lot. And I don't know what to do. It gets better sometimes. Then it comes back. I don't know. I hope there will be the right path soon. It is so hard to decide what the right path is. I absolutely know how you feel and I also know that you will find your way. I am thinking of you, friend!