18 Years! {But this one holds duality: so very special AND so very difficult}

 I try not to overdo the sappy Laniel Love Story as I have written about it many times. 

 Here. Here. Here.  and Here. 

(Probably other places too!)

But our Bar Bar anniversary hits different this time. 

The invisible string that brought us into that dive bar 18 years ago was instigated, pulled, and tugged by our dear friend Tina Gill. She was a true believer in Fate and knew that we are not defined by our past, but by the choices we make in the moment.

Brian and I can't talk about our "meet cute" story {am I too old to use that term?} without talking about Tina and her "subtle" persuasive ways that got me to step out of fear into possibility. She had already been instrumental in how I was reinventing myself after Matt's accident. She helped me see that grief was only one color in my story and so many more colors were ready to be seen if I took some risks to see them. 

At Tina's insistence, "showing off my new pair of smokin' hot shoes" on a random Friday night in April to see a friend's band at the dankest bar in town became one of my most colorful experiences to date.

{I can hear her laughing at me photoshopping her head into this picture from the 10-year party!}

Tina died on December 3rd, 2023. 

We were 8 months shy of knowing each other for 20 years.

She died from complications fighting cancer and the last 11 months of her life were filled with overwhelming moments of hope and devastation for all who knew her. 

One of her friends gave her books to read during Chemo. She often gave us book recommendations during this time, but one book in particular, she bought for me and told me I had to read because it was "perfect" for me and it reminded her of me. One afternoon after a rough day of Chemo, she slowly and carefully climbed our porch stairs with her partner Jeff so I could have a copy of the book she got especially for me.

 And while this slower and noticeably "weaker" Tina was there in front of me physically, I could see her firey spirit behind those eyes and the insistence that I have this book right then and there. It was an order from Tina, and you follow orders from Tina!

I read it in a day and bawled my eyes out. 

It was beautiful. 

I raved about it, told others to read it, and kept it in my pile of "special" books that I never lend out.

I was at the hospital when she died. She had complications during surgery and the surgeons did everything they could to save her but the damage was too severe. While the doctor was telling us this, I flashed to the book. 

Remarkably Bright Creatures. 

Tina. 
My Remarkably Bright Creature was gone? 

How?
How could this happen to her? It wasn't real. It was impossible.

Why? 
Why would this happen to our Tina?  My Tina.

Our Remarkably Bright Creature.

When she gave me the book she said it reminded her of me, but of course, it reminded me of her too. This "creature" is sometimes misunderstood and overlooked, but has 

So. 

Much.

To.

Say.

Tina said so much to me over the last 20 years. 

I am trying desperately to remember it all. 

{Another lol photoshop but with Lindz!}

Our years working together at the Artisan Center wrapping gift after gift using 3 pieces of tape and extra pretties for our favorite customers. Our years in our pseudo 'book club' called "Naughty Girls Club" where we exchanged "must have" products (I still use the press and seal Saran wrap she raved about in 2006!) and built lifelong friendships. Our years celebrating birthdays, holidays (Halloween parties!!), non-holidays, happy hours, lunches, and bar crawls. Our years texting each other random shit that was seemingly pointless and silly, but now utterly urgent and priceless. Our years remembering today--the day that changed my life.

 Our Tinaversary

She always got today and our wedding anniversary mixed up. She would inevitably text or call me and say "I can't believe you and Brian have been married ____ years! Congratulations!" And I would always tell her that we didn't get married on our meet day, even though we discussed it briefly. I told her that I will always, always, always be grateful for My Tina persuading me to go out that night in my new "hot" shoes and being my "wingman" in introducing "the girls" to Brian and encouraging me to give him my real phone number on a napkin. She'd laugh, her infectious laugh, and say, "Yeah, 'the girls' wink, wink. Brian still says he was drawn to your eyes, which is why I love you guys. Your love is real and you deserve each other. I am glad I am a part of your story."  

I am too, Tina, I am too. 

She gave a toast at our wedding, (which is another story!) and has been cheering us on ever since. 

She will forever be a part of us. 

Today is rough. More days like today will be rough. But I hold on to the advice I give others in times of unfathomable grief: There is hope in surprising places. Of course, Tina reminded me of this the other day when I was looking through my stack of books and saw one of  my dogeared pages in our book:

"Despite the darkness that surrounds us, a remarkably bright creature sees the glimmers of hope."

Eighteen years ago, this remarkably bright creature pushed me out of my comfort zone. Out of layers of grief I had been hiding under, out of all the wrong arms into that dive bar, into a technicolor world where glimmers of hope revealed themselves in new ways. 

I absolutely know that Tina will continue to do this. She's too damn stubborn and persistent not to! My Tina, with her infectious laugh and ability to talk loudly (literally and figuratively lol!), will show me that as a remarkably bright creature, all of us can see glimmers of hope. 

P.S. I wrote this post for Tina's birthday years ago. 

Everything still rings true. 

{This is from my 40th birthday. Tina was my stylist. She shopped for me to get the perfect outfit, hired a make-up artist to do my hair and make-up, and made me feel like Princess Kari.}

The Miracles That Save Us

 Happy Holidays from the Laniels!

This little blog started with the premise that miracles can be found in the most mundane of spaces in our lives. It’s the little moments that shift our perspective and shape our worldview so we’re kinder, happier, and able to extend grace to those around us. The thing about miracles is that they can’t always be explained. They show up and give us hope when we least expect them. 

The Laniels had miracles show up when we least expect them and we’re so very grateful.

Brian spent half of 2021 unemployed and searching for the right fit for his skill set and a job that would give him joy. The miracle of the perfect job showed up in July. His former company, Marsh, where he worked for 17 years, rehired him into a new position that is challenging and exciting. He’s thriving in learning new things, meeting new people, and working remotely so the kids aren’t lonely. (Brian is EXTREMELY patient with these VERY NEEDY animals…what a saint!)

He turns 50 in May, so hopefully, we’ll celebrate in style! 

Brian's daily view

My miracles have shown up in the form of 11-year-old kids who surprise me every day. Teaching 6th grade was not on the bucket list, but it has turned out to be an incredible experience of embracing all sorts of different learners and super random stories about super random things. These kids have truly saved my life. Starting at a new school, teaching a new grade, figuring out new systems of being a part of a school community and so much more have challenged me in ways that caused me to question everything. But these amazing little miracles have shown me how to slow down, breathe, listen, embrace challenges, and hope. (Here is some background to this!)

This note from a student killed me!

I once again (14th time!)  read the holiday story, “The Lump of Coal” by Lemony Snicket to my students. It is about finding unexpected miracles during this holiday season. It says:

"It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season--like all the other seasons--is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them." 

As I sort through all that this year has brought us and what is yet to come and I am overwhelmingly grateful for all the miracles that have shown up. 

YOU are one of our miracles this year and we are so very grateful.

Cheers to you all! 

Miracles in the (Pandemic) Mundane

It's been part of my intentional perspective to look for miracles in the mundane. Those seemingly insignificant moments can change a mood or bring a smile, and they always shift a point of view. This intention while teaching during a pandemic changed everything. I saw life differently and the miracles seemed more vivid and important. 

This year of teaching has been full of pivots with multiple changes to schedules, routines, and expectations. We've been 100% remote so we taught through Zoom. We were hybrid so kids were in school 2 days a week. And next month we are going back 100% in-person meaning ALL kids every day...Yeah, like regular school, but not at all. Teachers will still have to rotate rooms, kids don't get a passing period or lockers or see anyone else outside of their cohort classroom. It's not "back to normal," not by a long shot. But we pivot and we adjust and we know we will continue to have resilience as we learn together. 

Because of all the pivots, I didn't get to teach my poetry elective so my poor students have had to endure the places I shove poetry at them like a parent disguising vegetables in a meal. "No! I swear this is normal spaghetti! It just smells like cauliflower, it's delicious!"

 "Yes! All the kids in the 8th grade have to write a poem! It's part of the curriculum! It's fine!"

My disguises worked. 

We didn't have to reach for inspiration because 22-year-old Amanda Gorman led the way perfectly. We read and analyzed the poem she read at the 2021 inauguration, The Hill We Climb to start our social justice unit. From there we read her poem Miracle of Morning which she wrote in April of 2020 as a way to put words to our new normal.  She plays on the words morning and mourning, so I asked my students to write a poem with that in mind. They were to reflect on the last year and recognize the morning and mourning we endured together and answer the question:  What has this year been like for you? 

I wanted to share some of their poems here because it turns out they had a lot to say and every word is a miracle.

_______________________

Our New Normal

Six AM. 

Wake up again.

Up and ready for school.

This is school now.

That’s what they said.

That’s what they told me.

I don’t see faces, I see screens. 

The screens that echo out my name.

No one wants to answer.

The boy on the corner sighs.

He wanted to see his father.

Flying to New York.

He's his favorite.

The one time he can see him.

Glancing at the headline, 

“Airports Close Due To Virus”.

“Not this time buddy”.

His phone echos to him.

He hangs up the call.

My mother screams yet again.

We have woken her at noon.

She still can’t sleep.

We are too loud for her.

We are now at home.

I walk too loud.

My brother talks too loud.

She has been working twice as hard.

The rest of the department is gone.

Is she next? It echos.

She attempts to sleep again.

The owner of the shop looks around.

He really shouldn’t be here.

He just rents the space.

It has been months.

He still can’t open the shop.

The flowers he left here are withering.

The Open/Closed sign echos goodbye.

He leaves the keys on the counter.

_____~ART~_____

This Year

The Covid-19 pandemic has taken so much from me, my family, and my friends.

And I’m only in 8th grade. 

I remember at the start of March 2020 we heard of this thing called the coronavirus.

We got two weeks off of school.

It is now March of 2021, and we are still trying to get through.

No matter what way you look at it, this year had some really low, lows.

But there were still different things to smile about, for each and every one of us.

Together, we pushed through the toughest part.

Being fully online, feeling stuck.

And we still talked to friends, just in new ways.

We stayed together as a world.

We tried to find new hobbies.

Some succeeded, some failed, but at least we tried.

I think we can all agree with the weirdness and suck of 2020,

but we have 9 more months of 2021 to look forward to.

Things are already looking up. 

Schools everywhere are going back to full in person. Covid numbers are dropping.

And even though this pandemic will change our lives for what seems like forever,

we still have a lot to look forward to.

It can’t get worse than this. Right?

But if it does get even worse,

we’ll do that together too.

______~CF~______

Waking Up in the Morning...

Waking up in the morning...

Knowing every day is the same.

Knowing that my family is counting on me.

Knowing that my parents expect the best of me.

Knowing that I have to be a better role model for my brother.

It's all Tiring. 

Waking up in the morning...

When you always have to have a smile on your face from the start.

Whether it's pretended or real; it makes people feel better.

Smiles have a meaning behind them, that when it shows on your face you're having a good time.

Many people believe that when someone is smiling they are automatically happy when a lot can hide behind it.

Waking up in the morning...

New day, same things happening, every day is the same.

“Do something different!”

“Go on a walk!”

“Turn in your work!”

No motivation going through your head, I just want to do nothing.

Waking up in the morning...

Everything is on repeat when the same thing is happening.

I have stopped noticing the good things that come 

and that is because 

Every day is the same. 

____~JD~___

352

I awake once again same room, same bed.

I let quarantine get the best of me, social media ingrained in my head.

352 days in the same house; seasons, holidays, birthdays passing by.

Have I been asleep all year?

Nothing feels real, I need to open my eyes.

Nonetheless, there is a fresh start with every sunrise.

Watching the sky glowing pink, orange, and white.

A sense of security, that everything will be alright.

Days pass by, almost identical to before.

But maybe, just maybe my life won't be such a bore.

As the sunrise feels warmer on this sleepy morning.

It's been 352 days, what's a few more? 

The light at the end of the tunnel that has never been here before

seems closer and closer.

Let’s see what’s in store.

____~LC~____

Miracles?

Days go by as I drown in my sorrows.

Days turn into months as I see the bubbles floating to the surface.

I can’t wait for the day where someone lifts me out of the world.

Sports being canceled.

Deep depression becomes the new normal.

I lay here in my sorrows for what is tomorrow.

The morning has come. 

Just another terrible day. 

I look outside and pray.

For the sun is shining, animals all around.

God is there. 

I think I have been found.

My eyes fill with tears.

The happiness like a lifeboat.

I am being lifted from the strong current trying to pull me down.

I am new. 

The one you see has thick skin. 

We will win.

We are in the future. 

_____~JL~_____

Every Day

Waking up in the morning

too lazy to eat breakfast.

Trying to stay awake while listening to your teachers. 

Struggling to get your work done but your phone distracts you

and missing assignments overwhelm you.

The long days at school are over.

All you want to do is see your friends.

You watch movies with your family.

And pet your dog.

Dinners outside bring your napkins to the floor.

The sun is going down.

Showering brings happiness to know it's the end of the day.

Tiktoks keep you creeping awake. 

Till you fall asleep for the same thing to happen every day.

_____~JH~_____

As One

It is together that we can thrive.

Being fortunate enough to go through this time of mourning 

as one.

We can no longer act as individuals but instead as a community, a country.

 It is as a country that we can wake up and see hope.

Hope for our society, our economy, our world.

I find confidence in knowing everyone is going through the struggles together.

 We can't let fear overcome our strong country. 

Struggles and mourning are something to expect in every part of our life but overcoming it as one is something only the strongest can do.

Grasping onto challenges using them to make them stronger is something that gives me hope.  Without movement as a whole nothing will ever change.

 We need to wake up and see that we can make a change. 

When surprise and fear are gone there is nothing left but obligations towards our country.

The fate of our country depends on our dedication to it. 

It is friendship and unity and strength and courage and integrity that holds us together. 

____~AS~____

Find the Happies

A quiet morning with light shining through my window,

knowing the day will be rough I also know I’ll pull through.

All the little happies,

the things that make me smile, that make me laugh, that’s what helps me.

My friends, my family, constant things that make me smile.

Because even in the darkest times, there’s a light.

They can’t exist without each other,

so know that there will be someone holding a flashlight.

Find the little happies,

and move on with your wonderful morning,

knowing that you are loved here

and on the other side.

________~BM~________

It's Our Job

Everyone struggles together, regardless of the issues.

It's everyone's job to come together to help.

Standing against those who bring hate,

yet balancing that while standing with those who bring love.

Regardless of skin, religion,  and beliefs.

Everyone needs a crutch of support.

It is everyone's job to come together to help

in the face of the problems.

Hold hands together.

Wipe tears together.

Mourn together.

Most importantly, come together to help those who need it.

____~KH~_____

Miracles.

I wake up to my 7:45 alarm.

It’s time for on-line school. 

It really doesn’t have the same charm.

Open up the computer and look at the date

March 2nd.

Try to find out the next time I’ll see my classmates.

Hey, at least I’m at home.

With my family, my pets, and the comfort of my bed.

Used to not appreciate it.

Guess this pandemic has been changing my head.

Is it a good thing?

I think I’m just being misled.

For some reason, I’m more respected.

Being at home with my family

we’re more connected.

The little things mean more.

But I've been in this pandemic so long

I feel like a dinosaur.

_____~HF~_____

Friends

The miracle in my mourning is my close friends.

The way that they are able to cheer me up each time I'm feeling down.

The way that they show me that I’m cared for and appreciated each time around.

They always make me laugh and they always make me smile.

They are my miracle.

_______~JA_______

Hope Can Carry You A Long Way

In the wake of the morning, a fresh start always greets you

with a nice warm soothing thought.

Starting over means new chances and greater things to accomplish,

however, things come from all sides trying to knock us down.

With the morning comes new demons that we all fight.

But, there is always a light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel.

This tunnel may seem long and the light may seem dim,

but there are always positive notes to look at and positive things that happen every day.

Don't worry about the finished project,

instead, worry about the projects that are given to you today.

If you focus on the little things, the bigger things fall into place.

As the day closes and you fall asleep, you can't help but think, “Will this ever end?” 

A lot of times all people need is a little hope.

Hope can carry you a long way.

________~SM~_______

Was Today Going to be Better? 

Rising up from my mattress after a sleep that was well needed.

Was today going to be better? 

I guess we’ll have to see. 

What happened the day before shall not reflect the next morning.

A new, fresh era does not have room for mourning.

Misery filled my dreams the night before.

But now’s the time to explore:

New wonders and opportunities to solve what we mourn.

Don’t back down, don’t turn around.

There is still a full day that is bound to be great.

We’ll get through this together.

However, keep in mind, bad days will come like rain with the weather.

We won’t be stopped until we make it to the top.

So wake up each day with new hopes and goals.

And pray that miracles will enter our souls.

______~TD~______

Miracles in the Mundane

To wake up in the same routine but knowing there’s no knowing

is perplexing.

But to find the good in our neighborhood despite the restrictions

feels like connecting. 

The hearts on the windows. 

The 6-foot hellos.

The 8:00 howls. 

The movies we chose.

This feels like hope. Like a morning anew.

The simplest of miracles show us the way and give us a clue.

Finding the depths of gratitude in the midst of the grief

This means we are the miracles in the mundane; like the turning of a leaf. 

______~KJL~______

Pretty amazing, right? The ways they captured the hope and heartache, the changes and new normals. This generation will forever be marked by the pandemic and I think they will continue to teach us all about what it means to be resilient and hopeful.

Thank you, sweet 8th grade class, of 2020-21 for giving me these poetic, miraculous words, even if it was against your will.