Recognizing the Magic

Our kitchen chalkboard holds the inspiration for our month. August isn't my favorite, for many reasons, but I know that if I look, magic is all around. 
{Written 6 years ago, you can read this or this if you want to deep dive into my disdain for August 

(besides the heat and the end of summer)...}

Magic is the unknown finding its way to a place of recognition and sometimes inspiration. This is both exhilarating and a bit scary. The unknown can be overwhelming but the excitement, that's tangible and electric, is unique to beginnings. If you think about the beginning of anything new, a new job, a new relationship, a new transition like a move or a new home, these feelings take over your senses and this is the magic I am trying to harness.

For me, as I start year 12 of teaching, my goal is to trust the magic of this new school year. The kids, the staff, the rhythm, and all of the craziness holds magic--the overwhelming parts and the exciting parts and I want to embrace it all. 

For Brian, he is transitioning to being a full-time student. He has worked for the same company for 16 years and they are downsizing. Before he searches for a new job he will have the opportunity to finish his finance degree by going to school full time. He will be taking 12 classes over the next school year. YIKES! This will be new for all of us! 

But as these new beginnings unfold we will be reminding each other to recognize and trust the magic that is all around us.

Exhausted but happy.

My friend Allison often has Facebook statuses that say

"tired but happy". 

I am stealing this from her but increasing the tired to exhausted.

I have been on a journey, since January, of owning and exploring a shift I felt in seeking a new direction for this crazy career in teaching.
I'm not going to share every bitter detail of this process here, though you could probably see some of it in my blog posts since January, but know that I have  been learning
many, many life changing lessons.
I have learned that I need to be true to myself.
I have learned to trust my gut--like the deep, deep scary to trust part of my gut.
I have learned that in doing this I create a filter of sorts that helps me hear and Trust what is Right.
I have learned that filling out applications reveals confidence in who I am and what I am good at
but they are tedious and exhausting.
I have learned that interviews are not for the meek. They are indimidating and overwhelming.
I have learned that my tendency to give into panic attacks can be calmed by a  simple
"Don't Panic"
directive from a best friend.

I have learned that processing all that is happening is necessary and important.
I have learned that I am not alone.
I have learned that gin and tonics are delicious!
{Okay, so learned is sort of a strong word for this one...}
I have learned that I am not done with teaching.
I am learning that I am on this journey for a reason and as I am saying  "goodbye!" to one school
{AWCPA and APS}
 and "hello!" to another,
{Deer Creek Middle School in Jeffco}
this profession has a lot in store for me.
I have learned there is a lot to learn in this sort of deep, real, core processing and
 I will continue to learn so much more.
So yes, I am exhausted.
This process has tested me.
But.
I can also say that this process has made me happy.
Like the kind of happy that is real and true.
And I can't wait for what's next.

The Quote That Freed Me

"The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there."

-L.P.Hartley, British novelist

When I came across this quote, it changed my life.

When I talk to people about where and who I have been on my life's journey,  I often use language like, 

 "my former self" or, "my past life" 

and I have felt guilty about this.

I think this is because deep down I don't  believe that the core of me (my beliefs, values, etc) is "gone" but the semantics and tone I use seems to "write off" where and who I have been within that core.

 I approach life so differently than I ever did in my teens, twenties and thirties and  I feel like I am a very, very different person than I was before.

This is probably true, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing, or even a unique thing, but I have been struggling with how to navigate who my  "former self"  is and not negate it. 

So, when I read this quote which was a part of a short memoir by James Ireland Baker in my Real Simple magazine, my jaw dropped and I stared at the words with wonder and relief.  

That was it.

I found the language I was searching for. 

My past feels like a foreign country--it exists, it's real, but they do things differently there. 

There's different

languages

customs

values

ways of life...

To embrace that  my "former self" speaks a different language and approaches values and ways of doing things differently than my present self, is so freeing.

It's liberating to know that I don't have to live in the past, but I can visit it and negotiate a balance between what is now and what is then. 

And, like I would in visiting any foreign country, 

I need preparation and planning; I need to get paperwork in order;

I need to formulate a plan of how to navigate the foreign places that may throw me for a loop. 

I also know that when I visit a foreign country I  rarely leave the same as when I arrived.

This makes me nervous, and excited. 

And then I get to come home. 

I get to live here, in the now with who I am today. 

And this is a good place to be.

Finding beauty and hope along the way...

I have been quite reflective this week of the many roads we travel to be get where we are. Our life journey is unpredictable, amazing, sweet, tragic, seemingly unfair at times and never boring.

I have been struck with a profound amount of sadness for those who have lost loved ones too soon. I wonder why it happens. I wonder how we learn to navigate the new roads that lay before us. I wonder how we make sense of road blocks and detours we don't choose. I was reminded through my friend Kate's blog that learning to live with the questions is part of living life. Her post inspired me to reflect on the roads that have led to the places we are.

The sadness is still lingering (and maybe it will always be there) but this weekend I was reminded look at nature for surprises, to cherish the simple things, and embrace the roads we are on for what they are.

We had the chance to go to Vail and it was spectacular. It is seriously the most perfect place on Earth right now. From the weather to the golden Aspen trees, it's truly breathtaking.

Once we got there we didn't intend to hike the way we did. We didn't go on a set trail and we didn't have a plan. We just started in on the ski hill and discovered all sorts of great paths. It seemed like at every turn we were blown away with the beauty of fall in it's fullest form

I was mostly struck that there was beauty in every direction. Every now and then I would remember to look back at where we had just walked and the view had changed from when we first saw it.

These different perspectives reminded me that there are many layers to our life journey. Grief, joy, love, and change is interwoven with reality in such a way that sometimes it's surprising. The paths I have been on may not be what I have chosen and I may not be able to plan where I go. But if I can find beauty and hope along the way, I'm gonna be okay.