18 Years! {But this one holds duality: so very special AND so very difficult}

 I try not to overdo the sappy Laniel Love Story as I have written about it many times. 

 Here. Here. Here.  and Here. 

(Probably other places too!)

But our Bar Bar anniversary hits different this time. 

The invisible string that brought us into that dive bar 18 years ago was instigated, pulled, and tugged by our dear friend Tina Gill. She was a true believer in Fate and knew that we are not defined by our past, but by the choices we make in the moment.

Brian and I can't talk about our "meet cute" story {am I too old to use that term?} without talking about Tina and her "subtle" persuasive ways that got me to step out of fear into possibility. She had already been instrumental in how I was reinventing myself after Matt's accident. She helped me see that grief was only one color in my story and so many more colors were ready to be seen if I took some risks to see them. 

At Tina's insistence, "showing off my new pair of smokin' hot shoes" on a random Friday night in April to see a friend's band at the dankest bar in town became one of my most colorful experiences to date.

{I can hear her laughing at me photoshopping her head into this picture from the 10-year party!}

Tina died on December 3rd, 2023. 

We were 8 months shy of knowing each other for 20 years.

She died from complications fighting cancer and the last 11 months of her life were filled with overwhelming moments of hope and devastation for all who knew her. 

One of her friends gave her books to read during Chemo. She often gave us book recommendations during this time, but one book in particular, she bought for me and told me I had to read because it was "perfect" for me and it reminded her of me. One afternoon after a rough day of Chemo, she slowly and carefully climbed our porch stairs with her partner Jeff so I could have a copy of the book she got especially for me.

 And while this slower and noticeably "weaker" Tina was there in front of me physically, I could see her firey spirit behind those eyes and the insistence that I have this book right then and there. It was an order from Tina, and you follow orders from Tina!

I read it in a day and bawled my eyes out. 

It was beautiful. 

I raved about it, told others to read it, and kept it in my pile of "special" books that I never lend out.

I was at the hospital when she died. She had complications during surgery and the surgeons did everything they could to save her but the damage was too severe. While the doctor was telling us this, I flashed to the book. 

Remarkably Bright Creatures. 

Tina. 
My Remarkably Bright Creature was gone? 

How?
How could this happen to her? It wasn't real. It was impossible.

Why? 
Why would this happen to our Tina?  My Tina.

Our Remarkably Bright Creature.

When she gave me the book she said it reminded her of me, but of course, it reminded me of her too. This "creature" is sometimes misunderstood and overlooked, but has 

So. 

Much.

To.

Say.

Tina said so much to me over the last 20 years. 

I am trying desperately to remember it all. 

{Another lol photoshop but with Lindz!}

Our years working together at the Artisan Center wrapping gift after gift using 3 pieces of tape and extra pretties for our favorite customers. Our years in our pseudo 'book club' called "Naughty Girls Club" where we exchanged "must have" products (I still use the press and seal Saran wrap she raved about in 2006!) and built lifelong friendships. Our years celebrating birthdays, holidays (Halloween parties!!), non-holidays, happy hours, lunches, and bar crawls. Our years texting each other random shit that was seemingly pointless and silly, but now utterly urgent and priceless. Our years remembering today--the day that changed my life.

 Our Tinaversary

She always got today and our wedding anniversary mixed up. She would inevitably text or call me and say "I can't believe you and Brian have been married ____ years! Congratulations!" And I would always tell her that we didn't get married on our meet day, even though we discussed it briefly. I told her that I will always, always, always be grateful for My Tina persuading me to go out that night in my new "hot" shoes and being my "wingman" in introducing "the girls" to Brian and encouraging me to give him my real phone number on a napkin. She'd laugh, her infectious laugh, and say, "Yeah, 'the girls' wink, wink. Brian still says he was drawn to your eyes, which is why I love you guys. Your love is real and you deserve each other. I am glad I am a part of your story."  

I am too, Tina, I am too. 

She gave a toast at our wedding, (which is another story!) and has been cheering us on ever since. 

She will forever be a part of us. 

Today is rough. More days like today will be rough. But I hold on to the advice I give others in times of unfathomable grief: There is hope in surprising places. Of course, Tina reminded me of this the other day when I was looking through my stack of books and saw one of  my dogeared pages in our book:

"Despite the darkness that surrounds us, a remarkably bright creature sees the glimmers of hope."

Eighteen years ago, this remarkably bright creature pushed me out of my comfort zone. Out of layers of grief I had been hiding under, out of all the wrong arms into that dive bar, into a technicolor world where glimmers of hope revealed themselves in new ways. 

I absolutely know that Tina will continue to do this. She's too damn stubborn and persistent not to! My Tina, with her infectious laugh and ability to talk loudly (literally and figuratively lol!), will show me that as a remarkably bright creature, all of us can see glimmers of hope. 

P.S. I wrote this post for Tina's birthday years ago. 

Everything still rings true. 

{This is from my 40th birthday. Tina was my stylist. She shopped for me to get the perfect outfit, hired a make-up artist to do my hair and make-up, and made me feel like Princess Kari.}

Loving You, Always, Chris Jones!

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, 

but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

Thank you, Chris Jones, for being the mainstay person in my life that makes me feel 

seen

heard

important

right:)

funny

accepted

and above all,

loved--and loved fully. 

You are the friend in my life who knows EvERyTHinG about me.
You are my constant that knows my past, present and will be a part of my future. 

Neither of us have a biological sister, and from day one of knowing you, I have felt a sisterhood with you that is most certainly a part of my molecules. 

Thank you for being my friend who just gets it. 

We have lamented over the "Why's" of the unjust world we live in. 

We have cried many, many tears--for each other's heartbreak and for the

 heartbreak of those lamented "Why's".
We have laughed enough laughs to fill an ocean. 

We have sat together in silence, holding each other in sacred spaces. 

We have also witnessed the BRONCS! stomping cry-baby Brady and the Patrio-cheats in the 2015 AFC Conference Championship game at Mile High. {!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

You were the person that was with me in my deepest pit of despair reminding me that Love is is a verb. During this time, you were the person that introduced me to using the present participle "ing" to the word Love because it makes it a verb of movement--a continuous verb. Saying  "Loving You" is stronger than just "Love you", because it is always in motion and it's always there; always present.  

I celebrate you today, on your 50th birthday, 

{Is this a good time to remind you that I will always be younger than you?} 

and wish you nothing but peace and happiness as we make our way to our retirement plan of living together on a beach, drinking from our margarita fountain, reading books, and laughing til we fall out of our rocking chairs. 

Loving you, always, Chris Jones!

How The Bachelor Unites Us

I swear I am not sinking to a new low; or maybe I am, but I have decided that having common ground with women from all walks of life is very powerful and I recently found some common ground through the ridiculousness that is The Bachelor.

I was recently at a gathering at a friend’s house who was hosting a Noonday Jewelry party {AWESOME jewelry and an AWESOME company!!!}. I found it fascinating to watch and interact with women who all have a million layers to their unique stories: Moms, non-moms, non-moms by choice, non-moms not by choice, single, married, dating, divorced, outside of the home professionals, inside of the home professionals, religious, non-religious

 etc. etc. etc.

I got home and said to Brian, “It’s exhausting being a woman.” I said this because I experienced the pressure I put on myself {do we all do this?} when I am in this sort of setting. I think we are getting better, but for some reason it seems like, as a woman, it is an instinct to “size up” the “competition”. I picture the scene from “Mean Girls” where any given setting filled with women has the potential to become an animalistic war zone.

At this party, I was definitely comparing myself to the women in front of me. I kept noting things about myself that felt different:  I was the oldest, least in shape, non-mom by choice, etc.etc. I found myself stopping and starting conversations abruptly because I felt the “comparison monster” creep in.

And then I started talking about The Bachelor and it hit me. All we really need is a few places of common ground to lessen the competitive monster’s voice. When the group of women I was talking to all agreed that Clare is a train wreck, and that Arie is dud, and that we shouldn’t watch ALL of The Bachelor spin-offs {yet we do…}, I found strength in crazy and all the other stuff sort of faded away.

I found common ground in the Instagram world too. Lord help me.

Even if all of your brain cells and soul molecules are intact because you don’t watch The Bachelor, the point of this post is that as women, there are more places of common ground than we think and we need to find them quicker. As I have reflected on this night and owning the ease to which I let the comparison monster creep in, I realized that the magnificent layers to our unique stories need to be heard and embraced by each other--not held in competition with each other--and that should be our instinct.

So, thank you, fellow Bachelor watchers, especially those at this party, for giving me the realization that finding, embracing and celebrating common ground is what it’s all about...even if it is the most dramatic conversation ever.

I want this.

We're not alone.

Grief is a bitch.

There’s really no way to sugar coat this.
Every single day in the news I hear a heartbreaking story where I imagine the ripple effect the death of someone will have on hundreds and hundreds of people.
Grief is a stark reality of the human experience that truly affects us all.

This week I found myself recognizing a new layer of my own grief process and as I was talking to a friend about this, she encouraged me to "blog it out". It's a vulnerable process to write about grief but I want to share this post today in hopes that some of my layers connect with or encourage others that they are not alone. That has been one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received from this almost 15 year journey; knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am not alone.

Below is a letter I wrote to a dear friend that I have been connected to since grade school, but the Universe brought us together on a regular basis about 10 years ago through the journey of grief. We write letters and emails to each other often and we send each other mementos of our respective “signs” from our loved ones

(butterflies for me, dragonflies for her).

I thought I would share the letter because sometimes it's difficult to put into words what we're feeling--especially if it surprises us. Just when I thought I had all the language I needed for what I have felt and experienced, I found myself feeling and writing this. Maybe there will be a connection for you within this, or maybe it will help you understand where someone is coming from, or maybe you need to reach out to someone who is in the throes of grief and just tell them you're there with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, sweet friend!

I have been thinking a lot about you this week because I know you are with me on this journey and I know I can count on you to get what this email is about...
So, I had a REALLY vivid dream about Matt the other night and I feel like you are one of the very few people who would get what that means. The way the dream played out isn’t as significant as the reason I had the dream. His essence  was WITH me. It felt more like a visit than just a dream. I FELT him say he missed me. I HEARD him talking to me. I swear I FELT him hug me. It was all SO real!!!

When I woke up I knew I had interacted with him, but it was fuzzy. But then, on the way to work, out of the blue, I remembered the dream fully and I promptly started crying. I was crying cartoon-like tears; big, rolling, wet tears. They were pained tears, but also reassuring in a way. I think they were the physical release of what happened in my dream. I haven't ever responded this way and I couldn't stop crying! I was trying to get it together so I could drive and not be a total wreck when I got to work, but that was not easy!

I have never really thought about this before, but I am now convinced that tears have different personalities. Some are angry, some are wistful, some are downright sad, and some are happy!  This set of tears was the connection kind and those hold a super special place in the grief process. These are the ones that only I understand and feel. These are the ones that mark that space in my soul that is sacred and belongs only to me. These are the rare ones that surprise me the most. They can't be predicted and they can't be explained, but they're a part of this--and me.

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense, but I know that's okay because I know you carry this with me and I am so very grateful. I know our grief is very different, but I also know that it doesn't really matter because for some wonderful reason the Universe has linked our stories together in a very unique and sacred way and I know that we can share our grief process with each other. I absolutely do not take this for granted--thank you for being with me!

I think about you quite often and I hope you know you are never alone. I know I am never alone because of you in my life and I am forever grateful.

I love you, dear, sweet friend. May light and hope find you today.

xoxoxoxoxxo

Kari

The panic attack that killed my summer buzz.

Panic attacks affect over 3 million people in the United States every year. 

I am one of the 3 million. 

Over the last 14 years I have been prone to them. For me, they usually show up in the form of shortness of breath, claustrophobia, tightness in the chest, irrational, detached from reality thinking, and fidgety, antsy behaviors. Over the years I have only had 2-3 severe attacks where all of these things play out at once. Otherwise the shortness of breath/irregular breathing is my most common symptom. 

This past week I essentially had a 4 day on and off again panic attack where all of the symptoms showed up and it turned my life upside down. It definitely took my summer buzz away as it was a very exhausting, scary, and overwhelming week. I have, for the most part, recovered and I've figured out and am processing through the triggers. But I am not writing about this to invite sympathy or to have people ask questions about what my deep, dark psyche is saying, (trust me, I am doing plenty of that myself!) but I write to document the truths that come out of such a dark time so I can remind myself (and you?) that I'm not alone in all of this.  

  A dear friend who helped me through this week said that my mind and body had to go through this process in order to heal some traumatic layers that I have incurred over the years. She said that I was "able" {the quotes are present because I certainly didn't feel able!} to do this because right now, I have everything I need to go through this and that love, connection and support are what I need to take in. If I don't take these in and then utilize them, I am merely suffering and not allowing my soul to heal.  

Even if panic attacks aren't a part of your life, I truly believe that we all need to take in love, connection, and support to survive this crazy life. But, I have learned that when one is stripped down to the purist form of vulnerability {like in a severe panic attack} these things show themselves in very simple and powerful ways. The images placed throughout this post reflect some of the love, connection, and support that held me this week.

 I am deeply grateful for the ways the Universe took care of me and for those of you who showed me, and continue to show me, love, connection, and support. You may not even know you were a part of my healing, but I know and I am so very grateful.

You, Cheryl Thompson, Are a Miracle!

I was honored to be a part of the retirement celebration for my dear, dear friend, sister and colleague, Cheryl. Cheryl has been teaching for 32 years (!!!!) and we met 9 years ago at the beginning of my teaching career. She has been the most consistent voice of Truth for me in this profession and I am forever grateful for all that she has taught me and given to me.

As a surprise to her, I was asked to say a few words about the incredible person and teacher she is. My words don't seem like enough, but I want to preserve them here in order to honor this true Miracle in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is absolutely no small feat that you have been a teacher for 32 years. Since I teach Language Arts, I am not going to do the math to figure out how many lives you have changed in 32 years, but it’s in the thousands. Thousands of students have been influenced by you. Thousands of students have learned to love reading and writing because of you. Thousands of students have been given roots and wings from you. Thousands.

You do a unit on Transcendentalism and the power of “everyday” miracles as your students experience the beautiful words of Walt Whitman. Within this unit, students search through their own “everydayness” to determine Miracles that surround them. They see the beauty that is right in front of them and they realize that Miracles are all around--we just have to look.

You my friend have been this “everyday” Miracle to thousands of people. Students, staff, administrators, parents, and community members have seen you as a Miracle in their life. Through these people, there has been a ripple effect. Anyone who has been in your “Miracle-ness” realizes that they are better than they were before they met you and that naturally transfers into other parts of their lives. Your consistency of influence has reached far and wide. You are a force to be reckoned with and anyone who has been lucky enough to be in your space has been given this Miracle of you--and we are better people because of it.

I can say this because, you my friend, are a Miracle to me. When I chose this career in my mid-thirties and decided to teach at West, I was terrified for multiple reasons. I was facing a new career, an unfamiliar district, and zero friends in the biz. When I arrived at West, you became my mentor. At first it was because the district made you and I hang out--the mentorship program paid you to show me the ropes. Boy am I glad that you took the “cash”. From this mandated mentor/mentee relationship, you have become a capital “M” mentor in my life--the real deal, the kind of Mentor that money can’t buy. You have given me endless amounts of advice and help. You have given me space to vent, cry, wonder, worry, fear, love and embrace all there is to this crazy career. You have been a Miracle to me.

I want you to hold onto to the fact that you are a Miracle to everyone you meet as you enter into this new phase of this journey. Your job description will change and the daily routine you’ve had for 32 years will change--and this won’t be for the faint of heart either. Transition is never easy--even when it is expected. But, the trepidation you may feel needs to be underscored with the Truth that you are a Miracle--and those that you will meet and influence in this next phase of life will interact with you, and they will never be the same.  

I think I speak for the thousands and thousands of people you have met, and I know it is true of me when I say
‘Thank You’ for so, so many things... Thank for for giving of yourself over and over and over again. Thank you for taking risks. Thank you for fiercely loving your students. Thank you for your passion for literature. Thank you for your passion for writing. Thank you for being flexible within the myriad of changes you’ve seen. Thank you for speaking up for things that needed your voice. Thank you for showing us that commitment and passion for this job is worth it. Thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for showing us that Miracles are all around. Thank you for being one of those extremely valuable and special Miracles and for allowing us to be a part of this journey with you. I love you.

On the Night You Were Born

"On the night you were born,
the moon shone with such wonder
that the stars peeked in
to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been
anyone like you...
ever in the world." ~Nancy Tillman

Nora Madeline Grace Lesley was born on June 30, 2016;

Georgia Lane Lord was born on August 21, 2016;

And my world has not been the same since.

These perfect miracles bring me an oceanic joy that have rearranged my molecules.

The depth of love I have for these sweet girls makes my head spin. I think this is because they belong to two of my best friends, who are sisters, and I have been lucky enough to be side by side with them over the last 8 years.

 I met Nora's mom first. We taught together for a few years and bonded instantly. We saved each other's lives while in the throes of teaching. Our much needed happy hours consisted of many tears, laughs and strategic plans to get the hell out of teaching. 

{We have since resigned to the fact that teaching is where we are supposed to be, but that we absolutely wouldn't survive if we didn't have each other. No joke. I would be long gone if it wasn't for Nora's mom.}

 I was in her wedding and if we had met a year earlier, she would have been in mine. 

She just gets it--She knows me and we are able to connect on a genuine, deep level. She's "my person" and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. 

Through her, I met Georgia's mom. Georgia's mom and I share a special bond that grew from the common experience of PTSD from childhood "Holy Ghost Dancing" and the embarrassing fact that we still watch Grey's Anatomy. 

I am pretty sure we knew each other in a past life as our connection has an ease and depth that I have rarely experienced. She loves completely and I am no exception. 

These amazing souls have graciously invited me into their sisterhood and now I get to lavishly love their children.

*     *    *

Nora Madeline Grace Lesley

Nora arrived 2 WEEKS late. Plan A was that I would be in town--at the hospital--when she arrived. Nora's parents chose to not find out the gender so I was on pins and needles to know if my little sweet pea would be a girl or a boy...

The first part of June was dedicated to finalizing plans for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary/family reunion at the CABIN!.  I postponed my trip to MN 4 days in hopes she would arrive while I was still in town. She did not. 

I called Nora's mom on my way out of town and cried. I was so sad not to be here for her birth. But, thanks to texting, I was in on the waiting, and waiting, and waiting....
Nora's mom pushed for 4 hours. Hours. {!!!!!!} And Georgia's mom texted me all the way through. She finally arrived around 2:30AM and I burst into tears when I saw that SHE was here. Nora. Nora was here and my world got brighter.

{I just found out that Nora's name means light--and to say that this is PERFECT for her is an understatement.} 

My first time meeting Nora felt like an out of body experience. I could tell that, like her mom, she just gets it. There is a special place in my heart for her and I love her beyond words.

*  *  *

Georgia Lane Lord
"As sweet and clear as moonlight through the pines." ~Ray Charles

Georgia's parents' journey of becoming parents  has been a thick, unpredictable, scary, strange, and lonely forest. When they decided to adopt, they quickly learned that the adoption process {especially when tied to infertility} is lonely, not talked about very openly and it requires lots of energy and support. They have been amazing through all of this. 

When Georgia's mom told me that they were matched with a family in AZ and that Georgia was due in August, I BURST into tears. We were getting a manicure and we may or may not have made a scene. The relief, anxiety, anticipation and excitement we felt flooded us. 

The next few months were a roller coaster of emotions for Georgia's mom (and dad) and they were incredible through it all. 

Once they were in AZ, the waiting period of receiving the text that Georgia was theirs was intense. And I am only the aunt. I can't imagine the weight of waiting they felt. 
{This article  begins to capture this--please read it!}

Georgia truly is the sweet and clear moonlight through the pines. 
She has brought light and love to my life and I love her beyond words.

These girls have altered my universe. 
I love them with all that I am and I look forward to continuing to see them grow and change the world for the better.
They already have.