Today Marks 20 Years

 Many of you know my story and what it means to have grief be a part of who I am. To say that I am deeply grateful to those who have supported me over the last 20 years is an understatement. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you. For those that I don’t know or who I’ve just met, this blog post is about a significant loss in my life. I was married in 2003 and my husband, Matt Love, was killed instantly in a car accident 55 days after our wedding. I have shared about the many layers of grief over the years on this little blog, feel free to stalk it if you want! I have learned so much over the last 20 years and I wanted to process a bit here again because it just seemed like the right thing to do.

So, thank you for letting me. Xoxo

On the 10-year marker of Matt’s death, I had a severe panic attack. I ended up in the ER needing Xanax and an inhaler so I could breathe properly. Breathing, as it turns out, isn’t as easy as it should be when your body betrays you and basically laughs in your face when you logically think you should be able to do what’s natural; what’s right. 

Growing up all I ever wanted was to be married and have kids. I grew up in a conservative Christian bubble where the narrative of a fulfilled life looked like marriage and kids. All through my 20’s I barely dated. I was so confused by this. I had “dedicated myself to the Lord” yet the “ultimate” reward of marriage wasn’t happening! I thought what I was doing was natural and right. Was I breathing the wrong air? Little did I know that this questioning would lead me to eventual freedom.

When I hit my 30’s I began to see that the narrow path I was on could be extended and explored. I realized that my own desires mattered; not those of what others expected of me. I got out of a toxic career and I began to discover who I really was. I felt like Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride when she realizes she doesn’t know what kind of eggs she really likes. She was always told what eggs to like from those around her. It turned out she likes her eggs benedict style. 

When I turned 31, I decided I didn’t want kids so badly that I would have them in an unconventional way like many of my friends were doing. I knew that raising a child on my own was not my jam and I felt true peace that if I never had kids of my own I would be totally fine. It was freeing to own this. I was still navigating what it meant to be single, but I was more confident and sure that there wasn’t a blueprint for everything like I had been taught. I had discovered freedom. I had found my own "eggs benedict". 

I met Matt when I was 32 and we started dating when I was 33. Matt was magnetic. His curiosity about life was electric. He asked deep questions about spirituality and wondered about things we were taught not to wonder about. His creative spirit was enchanting. He was charming and funny. He was different. We fell for each other hard and fast. He told me he had a daughter from a previous relationship and that his love for her spanned the whole sky. He didn’t have a place in her life, however, so being her father was foreign. He longed for this and was a continual place of heartache for him. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted more kids and because of my recent epiphany, it sealed our hearts even more. 

We dated, got engaged, and got married between August/September of 2002 and June of 2003. Matt’s last name was Love and this is the truest thing about him. He showed me Love and how to live in the full expression of it. 

On August 15, 2003, Matt was killed in a single-car accident. He died instantly. I was at home and the Coroner had to come and tell me what happened and give me his belongings like his wallet and his wedding ring.  My world shattered. I couldn’t breathe.

The following chapters of my life were filled with lots of wrestling. I wrestled with my childhood dream of wanting to be married and have kids. Even though I had found some freedom from the religious expectations from my youth and knew that there wasn’t really a blueprint for “marriage and kids”, when I actually got married and had the potential of a kid, (through Matt’s daughter) I was faced with more questions about who I am spiritually and what I truly believed. I had to discover more about myself beyond the type of eggs I like. 

Through time, therapy, and an army of people Loving me, I realized that the answer (or parts of it) was found in the name I clung to; “Love”. My people kept showing me what it means to Love fiercely and how to use Love as a foundation for my healing. Matt had taught me to embrace this word and I have taken this and leaned into what it means to live in Love ever since. I have a different relationship with so many things because of what happened in 2003 and I have learned how to embrace who I am outside of what anyone or any institution expects of me. I Love with my whole heart. No matter what.

I met Brian in 2006 and we married in 2008. During this time, and countless times since our wedding, I have experienced different layers of Love and how expressions of Love change. Brian is someone who makes me feel seen and heard. He’s smart, funny, insightful, and loyal. He’s patient and generous. He sees me for who I am and Loves me completely. I made a conscious choice to give Brian my whole heart because we built our relationship on doing this. In doing this, however, I know that I feel gratitude for the ways that Matt laid a foundation of sorts for understanding the depth of Love in such a short time. As I continue to build my life with Brian I know that Love continues to teach me about what’s sacred and right. I’m breathing.

Over the last 20 years, I have experienced many moments with Matt. He shows up in the form of orange butterflies and certain songs. He shows up in dreams and sometimes tears. Some of his ashes are between two Blue Spruce trees at my childhood home that have been miraculously untouched by construction and progress. I visit The Trees at least once a year and Matt reminds me to continue to Love with my whole heart and stay true to who I am.

This year I got to go to The Trees with his daughter. She’s in her mid-twenties now. We've thankfully kept in some contact over the years and it's been more frequent over the last 2 years or so. I had a few boxes of his stuff and I got to give it to her this summer. I got to tell her in person just how much her dad Loves her and how alike they are. Magnetic, creative, funny, curious. She got to take pictures home of him as a young father holding the Love of his life. Today, she is linked to him through me. It’s wild. And wonderful. I am so grateful to have this relationship with her and it continues to grow and flourish. 

At the 10-year marker when I had my panic attack, my dear friend helped me realize that I hadn’t turned a corner on really shedding the shock I felt in 2003. Our bodies try to protect us. They know we can’t always take what pain really feels like, so we go numb. We turn it off. But, inevitably, the protection wears off and there’s a release. That’s what happened in 2013. Now, in 2023, I genuinely feel like I have reflected on so many layers of grief that not only can I breathe, but the light that has pushed its way through the darkness is brighter than ever.

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The Tree pictures explanation: The older-looking pictures were taken in 2005. The Trees were so small when we put Matt's ashes there. The ones I took this year show how much growth they've had! I'm so grateful they've stayed in this sacred space untouched.

Roots.

I am sort of a tree freak. 

Any part of any given tree inspires me. 

Today, it's the roots. 

The strength and depth of the root serves as a  literal life line for the tree.
A tree won't survive without the roots and neither will I. 
This past week, I discovered that I have roots that I didn't know I had. 

For the past 11 years, I've been on a path of reinvention. 

I had to find new ways to be. 

I didn't really have a choice in this, but I hoped that by immersing myself into my new reality,
 I would find my feet so I could heal and grow.
Little did I know, I was establishing roots. 
Roots that would guide me, nurture me, and give me life. 

In January of 2004, my friend Nancy and I decided to live together and

 get an apartment in downtown Denver.  

We moved into the Belmont Buckingham apartments in Capitol Hill and found home. 
Part of being home was our friendship with a few girls that also lived at the B&B

--Amber and Tia.

We quickly built a social life that was full and exciting. 

{And possibly filled with a bit of debauchery...} 

The old gang got together the other day and I went home feeling deeply nostalgic--

but it seemed like more than that. 

 I couldn't figure out what the deeper feeling I had was until later in the week when I was talking to Nancy about our time together. As we were talking we realized that what I gained from those years were roots.

Looking back, I see that I was building the "you just get it" type of friends.  
They knew the "new" me and allowed this "new" me to 
 try new things, go new places and meet new people. 
They were with me when I met Brian and
 I was with them when they met the loves of their lives. 
We celebrated each other's life changes and helped each other navigate the rough patches. This isn't necessarily atypical of friendships but for me, during this time of my life, the stories, the memories, and the friendships that were formed had deep, lasting significance. 

I truly felt that I was a part of something bigger than myself. 

I hadn't felt that way in a really, really long time. 

I feel so very grateful and humbled because I have these roots. 

I have stability because of these roots.

I have the ability to grow because I have these roots. 

I feel hope because I have these roots.

I am so very thankful for my Belmont Buckingham days for giving me what

 I so desperately need to continue on--

Roots. 

"Roots make all the difference in the health of a plant-whether it flourishes or fails, 

thrives or dies, blossoms or withers." 

This is the Sacred

His ashes are held in The Sacred space

where towering pines hold secrets.

They have shown their loyalty.

They have protected and given life--year after year after year.

She's safe here.

She is hopeful here.

She sees purpose here.

She is so very grateful--for the here.

The butterfly told her to move and go--

be free and fly

knowing that the place, where her first love lives, is where the

all that she has

all that she is

honors him.

This is the sacred.

This is the gift.

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If you are new to the blog or you don't know my story, I invite you to read

this post.

xoxo

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Breathing...

I haven't blogged in a while.

I had to recover from my last few posts. {F@%$&*#broncs!}

*sigh*

I also think I had the case of the "winters" and I didn't really realize it.

So, here I am finding my breath again and centering on what is real and right. 

Spring {and my obsession with trees}

 has a way of showing me hope and trusting that it's all going to be okay.

Keep Breathing and keep hoping--spring is begging us to.

iFall

 I can't even handle fall this year. 

Between the perfect Colorado blue skies and the vibrant fall colors I am in tree heaven. 

 And even though it's just an iPhone camera, these images do my heart good. 

xoxo, fall. 

Miracles Prevail

My hope of living in the truth of this:

{Yes, this is now on my board with a countdown of  school days that are left--it's at 34 right now!}

will depend on 

finding, 

savoring, 

believing in 

and celebrating 

Miracles in the Mundane.

Thankfully they are all around me. 

I savored this:

I believed in this:

I knew I wasn't alone when I celebrated this:

And today, I had fun teaching.

{I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{Okay, I had fun with most of it. I want to KILL my 4th period!}

I enjoyed teaching today because I was immersed in the amazing words of Gary Soto.

I read this:

The Grandfather

{Please take the time to read it! It'll change your life!!!!}

and I almost cried every time.

{I almost cried during my 4th period when they *almost* ruined it for me! 

Lord knows it couldn't be a "perfect day!}

It is a powerful story about how a grandfather nurtures and loves a persistent 

little avocado tree. 

{How can I resist the power of a TREE!?}

The tree grows as the family grows and, well, it never quits. 

These lines from the story capture my miracle:

"But his favorite tree was the avocado because it offered hope and the promise of more years."

"The wind could not move the branches, but the trunk, thicker than any waist, hugged the ground."

Hope is being offered to me in many, many ways.

{Thanks, all my wonderful cheerleaders!}

And I know, I KNOW!, that there is strength to my own metaphorical tree. 

The wind isn't moving the branches and the trunk is thick, stable and sure. 

Thank you, Miracles in the Mundane, for showing up just in the nick of time. 

#forthloveoftrees #thankgodforbaxter #miracleinthemundane

I went to church yesterday.

No.

Not that kind of church.

It was the kind of church where I got to be one with

my trees

my Baxter

myself.

I listened to this wonderfully melancholy song on repeat.

It was perfect.

#20: A picture of your personal sanctuary, or the place you go to clear your head

Behold the most perfect place on Earth:

 I've been excited to write about this one from the list because

I very much cherish spaces where I can 

just be. 

This space  has all my favorite things: trees, water, more trees, wild flowers, rocks, dirt roads and lots of memories of my childhood. This little slice of heaven is a part of the land my childhood house was on and I spent endless hours here. I'm so lucky that no new houses, or anything else, 

have contaminated my space where I can come and

just be.

But since this place is about 45 minutes from my house, I have adopted a tree I named Eloise as my next best place to clear my head.

I get to see her almost every day as she is one block from my house. She is a 100 year old English Oak and she's magnificent. By just looking up at her branches or touching her trunk, I gain peace.

I have blogged about these spaces before. Once highlighting Eloise, and one on my just be place, so I won't repeat all the mushy details here. 

I guess all you need to know is that I am truly grateful to have some space to think, create, relax, contemplate, breathe and

just be.

I truly hope you have a personal sanctuary and a place you go to

just be.

If you do, and you want to share, please leave a comment below! :)

These trees hold my secrets...

Remember my post about being a tree freak? Well, here's why:

This is it. My "special place" in Evergreen near the house I grew up in. My brothers and I spent endless hours here creating worlds, characters and memories that are lasting a lifetime.

But the real miracle of this place are these magnificent trees...

It's breathtaking. These pictures don't do this place justice...but, these are the original secret holders.
I am so very grateful for them.


These pair of trees holds a unique secret. One that has been shared with few, but cherished by only me.

My path of creativity, sentimentality and valuing family and family memories started here. I am so very grateful to have this place as a part of my soul.

I have this thing about trees...

This may be the post that people finally say "Alrighty! Kari IS a bit loopy!" This is because I have a thing about trees. I don't just think trees are pretty, (uh, but they are!) I think they are the holder of my secrets...

Let me tell you about Eloise. Eloise is an amazing, beautiful, and smart English Oak that is tied for second as a "Champion Tree". (Seriously! She's famous!) She is almost 100 feet tall and her crown spans 75 feet. I am lucky enough to have her one block from my house.

I can tell Eloise anything. She lets me blabber on about the various issues I have in my life and she listens with grace. If I am having a rough day, I know that if I just go and spend even a minute with Eloise, I am more at ease about my life.

I learned about allowing trees to hold my secrets at a young age. I grew up in Evergreen where the listening trees are in abundance. I have a special place, however, that started it all.

There is a little pocket of heaven near my childhood house that has a creek and a small field. The field is grassy, but it is surrounded by tall, magnificent blue spruces. These spruce trees gave me hope that I could trust trees to hold my secrets. I needed a place to release the questions, fears, dreams, and triumphs of my life and I found out that trees let me do this.

So here I am now, at age 40, still talking to trees because I still need to tell them my secrets.

I highly recommend finding a tree in your neighborhood to talk to. Your secrets will be kept safe and sound and you’ll find it’s a true miracle to have a tree on your side.

Isn't Eloise pretty? :) (all of these pics, sans the spruce, are of her!)