Free In You

Happy Anniversary to us!

Brian and I are celebrating six amazing years of loving, learning, and growing together. 

I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for how deeply, deeply happy I am. 

Being married to Brian gives me hope-- 

Hope that love wins, no matter what.

I've had an Indigo Girls song called "Free In You" on my various playlists for years. 

It is Brian to me. 

I've included the song and the lyrics below  

{highlighting a few of the lines that get me every time} 

with a few of my favorite pictures from our wedding in Crested Butte, CO.

I do not take it lightly that I am able to be my true self 

ALL THE TIME 

with Brian. 

He gets me--and he loves me anyway--this is true, free in you, kind of love.

Free In You

A hard knock
A cold clock
Ticking off my time
A long look
But no luck
Couldn't seem to find
Or unwind
Into peace of mind
While I was trying

A quick glance
A big chance
My heart beat like a drum

I saw you
And I knew
Chances just don't come
Round again
Not like this
First a laugh
Then a kiss

And I'm free in you
I've got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you

The lost time

And self pride
Are my big mistakes
A clear voice
A bad choice
Sounding like an ache
In my day
Not too bad
But too real
To go away

But now I'm free in you
I've got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you

And I don't know
How you show
Such gentle disregard
For the ugly in me
That I see
That for so long
I took so hard
(I took so hard)
And I truly believe
(I truly believe)
That you see the best in me
(That you see the best in me)
I'm enough, for your love
and the thought sets me free

Free in you
Got no worries on my mind
I know what to do
That's to treat you right
And love you kind
Thank you ever on my mind
Love is just like breathing
When it's true
And I'm free in you
Yes I'm free in you

#14: A picture of you in costume

I've been a little worried about this one from the list for a few reasons.

First, I was never really a Halloween girl. For one, we didn't really celebrate it when I was a kid so it wasn't build into my traditions. I also scare easily, so having a whole day focused on scary things isn't really me. :)

Second, I feel kind of silly in costumes. It's strange to not feel like myself when I'm dressed up as someone else. (I can see the draw of this, but I always feel a bit uncomfortable.)

Third, I don't have any good pictures of me in costume.

But then I came across this and decided it counts as a costume of sorts:

Being in this "costume" was the happiest I've ever been.
 I married my best friend and I felt like a princess.

And even though I was in a costume, I felt like myself because I knew my life, and my new beginning with Brian, was exactly where I was supposed to be
and that felt really great.

Read more about our story here.

Today is May 24th!!!!!!!

I found my journal entry from May 24, 2008, Brian and I’s wedding day. Journals are vulnerable and awkward. I get that. In addition to some of the awkwardness of sharing my journal, I need to share some of my story for the context of this blog post.

In 2003 I met and married a wonderful person named Matt. After 55 days of marriage, Matt was killed in a car accident. We were living in California at the time. I decided to move to downtown Denver in January of 2004 and I feel like I reinvented my life. I met amazing people, and savored those already in my life, who helped heal my wounded heart and helped me know how to be myself; my new self.

In 2006 I met Brian. We met in the most unlikely of places…the Bar Bar!..a shady little hole in the wall in Five Points. If you want to truly believe in Fate, ask me more about this night… Basically, Brian and I were meant to meet then and there, and now, here we are. :)

So, today is our 3 year anniversary. We got married in Crested Butte and it was breathtaking. When I found my journal entry from our wedding day, I realized what an amazing journey my heart has taken. I decided to type it out here (I have other gifts besides my handwriting!) and share. I think I am sharing because we all have our own stories and we have gotten to where we are through many different types of experiences. Our hearts are resilient and reflecting on this journal entry reminds me of this.

I am getting married TODAY. I am writing in the dark, 3:30ish looking out on Mt. Crested Butte. I am committing my life to Brian today. Marriage is what I’ve always wanted and here we are. 2 years ago I realized that I wanted to love again—2 years ago I was fragile and unsure of my life—but here I am.I know I am marrying someone who loves me. Not that this wasn’t true 5 years ago but there is something about Brian that is undeniably perfect and wonderful. I guess this idea of one soul mate isn’t for me. I found that Matt and I were connected in a serious way…but so are Brian and I. Of course it’s different...of course. But this different is good.

What I say in our vows about him being my best friend—I can’t stress what that means to me. I guess every word in our vows is important. I’m doing the ring vows—with all that I am and all that I have I honor you—This is a whole new commitment to Brian. I’m switching my commitment today. Brian is who I honor and pledge my love to. No one else. No one. I love deeply –I think this is emotional because I loved Matt, deeply.

But here I am today—loving Brian deeply and here is Brian loving me deeply. I am so sure of this. I’m excited to be committing to a life together with Brian and Brian alone, no one else.
I knew I would love again and here I am. Sure of Brian, loving again. It was a season of winter—long, cold, lonely—for Brian too…this season of not being truly loved. For me, grief--losing love and not sure of gaining it again was my winter…the slippery streets of winter…but here comes the sun…Brian and I to each other’s life and seeing the sun.

Wow!!!!
TODAY IS MAY 24!!!!!!!!!!!

So. There it is. What my heart was doing on May 24th 2008. It was a perfect day. It was an emotional day. And it was a day where the sun came out and began lighting our path. It was a true miracle in the mundane.